Sometimes I catch myself saying, “I wish someone would have taught me this when I was younger.” But what I really mean is, “I wish my mother, my aunts, and the women I called my big sisters would have taught me this when I was younger.”
I’m 39 now, and I’m the first woman in my family to take a deep dive into this thing we now call inner work.
My journey began at 30, right after one of the most volatile relationships of my life. For years, I’d been moving through relationships on autopilot, unknowingly recreating the toxic dynamics I witnessed as a child. It wasn’t until I started my healing journey that I realized those patterns weren’t random—they were the blueprint handed to me by the women I grew up watching.
Seeing the Women Who Raised Me
When you’re a child—or even a teenager—it’s hard to see the women in your life as women. You see them as Mom, Aunty, Big Sis. Their roles in your life overshadow who they are as individuals. You don’t yet understand the weight of their choices, the scars they carry, or the sacrifices they’ve made, because you haven’t experienced womanhood yourself.
As a teenager, all the women in my life—including my friends’ mothers and aunts—were in their early thirties. Many of them had kids while they were still kids themselves.
Most of us didn’t have fathers in our lives. What we had instead were our mothers’ boyfriends—men who came and went. Some of us watched our moms cycle through multiple relationships. Others saw just one or two. But what we all saw, without fail, were toxic, and sometimes deeply abusive, relationships.
The chaos they called “love” became the blueprint we carried into adulthood. Into womanhood.
Breaking the Cycle
At 39, I can now say I am the first woman in my family to truly learn how to love myself.
Not the kind of “self-love” that’s all bubble baths and Instagram quotes, but the real, gritty kind—the kind that forces you to sit with your wounds, face them head-on, and do the work to heal. I’m also the first woman in my family to experience a safe, healthy, authentic relationship with a man.
But let’s be real—this wasn’t just a matter of willpower. I had access to resources my mom, aunts, and sisters didn’t have. I had books, podcasts, therapy, and entire online communities at my fingertips.
So when I find myself saying, “I wish someone would have taught me this,” I remind myself: How could they have taught me what they didn’t know?
Three Lessons I Wish I’d Learned Sooner
Even though I’ve come to terms with the past, there are still three things I wish someone had taught me earlier in life.
1. Listen to Your Body—It Rejects What Isn’t Good for You
Looking back, my body was always trying to protect me. I just didn’t know how to listen.
When I was in relationships with men who weren’t good for me, my body sent me signals loud and clear:
Constant migraines. I told myself I needed a new prescription for my glasses.
Back pain. I blamed my job.
Nervousness. I was always on edge, unable to relax or feel grounded.
Exhaustion. I felt drained in ways no amount of sleep could fix.
PH balance issues. This one was a nightmare. I changed my diet, my soap, even my laundry detergent, trying to fix something that wasn’t broken—my body was just reacting to the stress of those relationships.
Sis, please—listen to your body. It rejects people who aren’t good for you.
2. Get Financially Educated
The women in my life growing up were all in survival mode, juggling bills and making ends meet. The only financial lesson I learned was that we didn’t have enough.
It wasn’t until my 30s that I started educating myself about money. I binged YouTube videos, took classes, Googled like my life depended on it, and started building the financial literacy I wish I’d had as a teenager.
Learning about taxes, credit, saving, and investing changed my life. I even built my credit from scratch in my 30s. It’s never too late to learn, but the sooner you start, the better.
3. Master Emotional Regulation
The women I grew up around were emotionally chaotic. Screaming and yelling were as common as breathing. Home, friends’ houses, even outside on the block—everywhere I turned, it was chaos.
That environment left me with deep wounds. People-pleasing. A blocked throat chakra. An inability to express myself without fear of conflict.
I’ve since learned how to regulate my emotions, and it’s been a game changer—not just for me, but for the kids in my life who look to me as an example. When you learn to regulate yourself, you become a lighthouse for others.
Forging a New Path
These lessons weren’t taught to me—I had to stumble into them, claw my way through the darkness, and learn them on my own. But now, I get to pass them down. To the younger generation in my family. To the women in my life who are just starting their healing journeys. To you.
So if you’re reading this, I hope it helps in some way. I hope it inspires you to reflect, to heal, to grow.
And if nothing else, let it be food for thought. Finish your plate so you can go be great.
P.S If you would like to read about my journey through toxic relationships and how I made my out of them, click here to grab my books. Sometimes just knowing that another woman has been where you are and made it through...can make all the difference in the world.
Much love,
