"The Toxic Sex Is SooOO Good."

“I know he’s toxic, but the sex is soooOOO good.” — I can’t even count how many times I recited that sentence when I was in my toxic-ass relationship. And I know so many women who’ve done the same.

If this sentence resonates with you, let’s go deeper.

Here’s the thing—I knew I was in a bad relationship while I was in it. No one needed to tell me. We always know when we’re in a bad relationship. It’s not a secret we’re blind to; it’s a truth we’re afraid to face.

For me, the relationship was filled with endless arguments, “off stints” that lasted for months, and a constant starvation of the things I deeply craved: quality time, physical affection, verbal affection, and real love. And let me be clear about that last one—real love. Because even though we both called it love, it was anything but.

Love isn’t toxic.

Love isn’t chaotic.

Love isn’t pain dressed up as name-calling, manipulation, 

or emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse.

But at the time, I stayed. And the glue that kept us together, if I’m being completely honest, was sex. Every time we “made up,” it was through sex. That was the band-aid over every fight, every hurtful word, every scar. If it weren’t for the “make-up” sex, we would’ve never lasted as long as we did—just shy of eight years.

I used to boast that he was the “best I ever had.” 

I actually believed it. 

But what no one tells you is: when you’re starved for love and connection, the bare minimum wrapped in toxicity can feel like the best you’ve ever had. It wasn’t until I started healing—really healing—that I realized the sex wasn’t that good. I was just too wounded to see past it.

Is the sex from a toxic man really "good"? Or...

In reality, sex was the only time I wasn’t being starved of quality time, physical affection, or verbal affection. In a very warped way, I was getting those specific needs met through sex. And because of that, on a subconscious level, I started to associate sex with love. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that him giving me his body was the same as him giving me his heart.

So, when we say things like, “I know he’s toxic, but the sex is soooo good,” and then we actually start peeling back our layers through healing, we have to ask ourselves some hard questions:

• Is the sex with a man who treats us poorly the majority of the time really that “good,” or is it just the only time we feel like we’re getting a need met that we’re otherwise starved of in the relationship?

• Is the sex with a man who treats us poorly the majority of the time really that “good,” or are we just used to chasing a toxic man, then accepting sex as a reward for staying?

• Is the sex with a man who treats us poorly the majority of the time really that “good,” or have we just never had sex with a man who genuinely cared about us, respected us, and loved us correctly—without all the chaos and struggle?

When you begin to heal, you realize that what you thought was “good” was just a survival mechanism—a way of holding onto scraps and calling it a feast. 

Real love and connection don’t come with strings attached, and they definitely don’t feel like an emotional rollercoaster. The truth is, there’s nothing “good” about sex that comes at the expense of your peace, your self-worth, or your emotional well-being.

If you read all this and thought to yourself, "Damn, this hit", then the journal/workbook below will for sure help you in ways that maybe you didn't even know you needed. Click on the cover to learn more about it.

Go be great.

Much love,