“I know he’s toxic, but the sex is soooOOO good.” — Like so many women I know, when I was in my toxic ass relationship I recited that sentence a thousand times…and you probably have too. I knew I was in a really bad relationship while I was in it, I didn’t need anyone to tell me that. We all know when we’re in really bad relationships while we're in them.
Because we spent a lot of time arguing, were on and off with "off stints" that could easily last several months, the things I was often starved of in that relationship were: quality time, physical affection, verbal affection, and real love. I say “real” love, because though we were both calling that relationship “love”, it was far from it.
Love is not toxic. Love is not chaotic. Love is not pain that is purposely inflicted through name-calling, and emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse.
Everytime we “made up”, it was through sex, and if I’m being completely honest, if it weren’t for the “make-up” sex we would have never lasted as long as we did—just shy of eight years.
I used to boast that he was the “best I ever had”, and I actually believed that…until I started healing.
Is the Sex From a Toxic Man Really That Good? Or…
In reality, sex was the only time I wasn’t being starved of quality time, physical affection, and verbal affection. In a very warped way, I was getting those specific needs met through sex, and because of that, subconsciously, I was correlating getting sex from him, with getting love from him.
So you see, we say things like, “I know he’s toxic, but the sex is soooo good", but when we actually start to peel back our own layers through healing:
Is the sex with a man who treats us poorly the majority of the time really that “good”, or is that the only time when we feel like we’re getting a need met that we're otherwise being starved of in that relationship?
Is the sex with a man who treats us poorly the majority of the time really that “good”, or are we just used to chasing a toxic man, then accepting sex as a reward?
Is the sex with a man who treats us poorly the majority of the time really that “good”, or have we just never had sex with a man who actually cared about us, and loved us correctly—without struggle?
And this is why inner work is so important.
This entire post is actually an excerpt from the Sis, Get Your Sh*t Together journal - Struggle Love Edition - that you can get by clicking right here. This journal is filled with prompts to help you with your inner work…to help you get your sh*t together, sis.
Go be great.
Much love,
