Let’s be real: How many of us have said, “I know men,” only to find ourselves dating the same type of guy over and over again—the toxic, emotionally unavailable type?
Sis, knowing one kind of man doesn’t mean you know men. If you’re out here dating or jumping back into the dating pool, it’s time to expand your understanding. You need to learn the different types of men that exist, not just the ones who’ve done you dirty. Here’s why: The more you understand men—their behaviors, intentions, and capacity—the better you’ll be at discerning who’s right for you and who isn’t.
Let me break it down for you.
1. Know the Red Flags vs. Green Flags
Learn to recognize the behaviors and mannerisms of the men you don’t want in your life, but don’t stop there. Familiarize yourself with what makes a good man stand out—how he carries himself, how he communicates, and how he follows through.
For example, there’s a big difference between:
A man who doesn’t want a committed relationship with you but is otherwise a decent person, and
A man who intentionally uses women, doesn’t care about their feelings, and is only out for himself.
A good man might not choose you for a relationship, and guess what? That doesn’t make him “trash.” Women are allowed to use discernment when dating, and good men are too.
2. Check Your Ego
Let’s talk about this quietly kept truth: Some women’s egos are just as fragile—if not more fragile—than men’s. Yes. I said it and I stand by it.
Just because a man doesn’t choose you doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. Sometimes, you’re just not the right match for each other, and that’s okay. The problem starts when rejection bruises your ego, and you write him off as “trash” simply because things didn’t go the way you wanted.
Healthy dating requires emotional maturity. Get in the habit of checking your ego so you can approach dating with clarity and grace—not entitlement.
3. Learn to Discern
Discernment is your best friend in the dating world. To develop it, you need to study the differences between:
A man who genuinely has his life together and has created peace for himself versus one who’s still battling his inner demons (and calling it “adventure”).
A man who walks his talk and follows through versus one who’s just smooth-talking his way into your life.
A man who isn’t in a place to show up for himself (let alone a relationship) versus one who simply isn’t interested in a relationship with you.
Learning these distinctions will save you from attaching yourself to the wrong men and calling it “love.”
4. Stop Generalizing
Not all men are “trash.” Not all men are emotionally unavailable. And no, they’re not “all the same.”
The “all men” mentality—paired with the conversations you have with your echo chamber of homegirls—might feel validating in the moment, but it’s not helping your dating life.
Instead, it’s blocking your ability to discern and making you think you can move the same way with all men and still get what you want. Spoiler alert: You can’t.
Dating intentionally means learning the nuances. It means understanding that men are just as varied and layered as women. If you want better results in dating, you have to stop generalizing and start observing.
5. Know Yourself, Then Learn Men
Here’s the sequence: First, know yourself. What do you want? What do you need? What are your non-negotiables? Once you have that clarity, start learning about men.
Learn the types of men you want to avoid and the ones you want to attract. Understand how they move, what they value, and how they communicate. The more you know, the better you’ll be at aligning with men who are compatible with you.
I hope this gave you some food for thought. If nothing else, let it be a starting point for self-reflection. Just make sure you finish your plate so you can go be great ;)
P.S. I’m 38 now and in a healthy, happy relationship, but I spent most of my twenties learning these lessons the hard way. If you want to read more about my journey and how I turned things around, click here to grab my books.
Sometimes just knowing that another woman has been where you are, and made it through can make all the difference in the world.
Much love,
